You Don't Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms
You can find peace, whether or not you forgive those who harmed you.
Feeling pressured to forgive their offenders is a common reason trauma survivors avoid mental health services and support. Those who force, pressure, or encourage trauma survivors to forgive can unknowingly cause harm and sabotage their recovery. And such harm is entirely unnecessary--especially when research shows there is no consensus among psychologists, psychiatrists, and other professionals about whether forgiveness is necessary for recovery at all.
You Don't Need to Forgive is an invaluable resource for trauma survivors and their clinicians who feel alienated and even gaslighted by the toxic positivity and moralism that often characterizes attitudes about forgiveness in psychology and self-help. Bringing together research and testimony from psychologists, psychotherapists, criminologists, philosophers, religious leaders, and trauma survivors, psychotherapist and expert in complex trauma recovery Amanda Ann Gregory explores the benefits of elective forgiveness and the dangers of required forgiveness. Elective forgiveness gives survivors the agency to progress in their recovery on their own terms. Forgiveness is helpful for some, but it is not universally necessary for recovery; each person should have the power to choose.
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Amanda Ann Gregory is a trauma psychotherapist whose work focuses on complex trauma recovery. Her unique perspective as both a clinician and a trauma survivor allows her genuinely to understand the needs of survivors. Her writing has appeared in publications such as Psychology Today, Psychotherapy Networker, and psychotherapy.net. With over seventeen years of clinical practice alongside EMDR and National Counseling certifications, Gregory has provided trauma education and training for the American Counseling Association, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, Ronald McDonald House Charities, among others. Gregory lives in Chicago, Illinois, with her partner and their sassy black cat, Mr. Bojangles.
"Profound, compassionate, and empowering, You Don't Need to Forgive is a vital resource for anyone navigating the complexities of trauma recovery. This book reshapes the conversation around trauma recovery by offering trauma survivors and their therapists a liberating alternative to conventional forgiveness. By advocating for elective forgiveness, this book empowers survivors to reclaim agency over their recovery journey." --Dr. Arielle Schwartz, author of The Complex PTSD Workbook, The Post-Traumatic Growth Guidebook, and many other books about trauma recovery
"You Don't Need to Forgive provides a validating and honest trauma-informed approach to understanding forgiveness and its potential harms. Forgiveness is often a sticking point for survivors who feel that it is a requirement. This book debunks those notions by examining existing research, as well as the experience of survivors. Therapists and survivors of all forms of trauma will find validation in this book, as well as the realization that forgiveness may not happen, and that's okay." --Ramani Durvasula, PhD, clinical psychologist, and New York Times and international bestselling author of It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People
"As a therapist who specializes in working with survivors of family and relational trauma, I find that many of my clients grapple with the concept of forgiveness and how to navigate this in their healing journey. As a survivor myself, I have always said that forgiveness is not mandatory, and if survivors are pressured to do so, it can actually stunt their healing. This book is a great source of validation for that, and I can't wait to recommend it to clients and fellow survivors! A much-needed asset to the survivor and healing community!" --Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS, author of Breaking the Cycle: The 6 Stages of Healing from Childhood Family Trauma
"As a trauma-informed therapist who encourages both forgiveness and acceptance in Anger Solutions practice, I questioned my suitability to support the premise of this book. However, after I had perused just a few pages, Amanda Gregory's message became clear: forgiveness is a choice, and it is one that is solely within the purview of the one who received the transgression. Forcing or pressuring one to forgive flies in the face of the spirit of forgiveness and its benefits. If you are a survivor of complex trauma or you struggle with challenges related to insecure or avoidant attachment, this book will shine light into dark places and will hold space for you as you work through your traumatic experiences and the scars they left behind." --Julie A. Christiansen, author of The Rise of Rage
"You Don't Need to Forgive by Amanda Gregory is a groundbreaking guide for trauma survivors, offering a refreshing perspective on forgiveness. Gregory challenges the conventional wisdom that forgiveness is essential for healing, advocating instead for a personal and elective approach. Through a blend of research, personal stories, and practical advice, this book empowers readers to navigate their recovery on their own terms. It's an essential read for anyone seeking a compassionate and realistic path to healing without the pressure of obligatory forgiveness." --David Treleaven, PhD, author of Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness: Practices for Safe and Transformative Healing
