Frighten the Horses
An Oprah Daily Best Book of Fall
A textured, sharply written memoir about coming of age in the fourth decade of one's life and embracing one's truest self in a world that demands gender fit in neat boxes
From the outside, Oliver Radclyffe spent four decades living an immensely privileged, beautifully composed life. As the daughter of two well-to-do British parents and the wife of a handsome, successful man from an equally privileged family, Oliver played the parts expected of him. He checked off every box--marriage, children (four), a white-picket fence surrounding a stately home in Connecticut, and a golden retriever named Biscuit.
But beneath the shiny veneer, Oliver was desperately trying to stay afloat as he struggled to maintain a facade of normalcy--his hair was falling out in clumps, he couldn't eat, and his mood swings often brought him to tears. And then, on an otherwise unremarkable afternoon in September, Oliver Radclyffe woke up and realized the life of a trapped housewife was not one he was ever meant to live. In fact, Oliver had spent his entire life denying the deepest, truest parts of himself. In the wake of this realization, he began the challenging, messy journey toward self-acceptance and living a truer life, knowing he risked the life he'd built to do so.
That journey was fraught, as Oliver navigated leaving a marriage and reintroducing himself to his children. And despite the challenges he faced, Oliver realized there was no way for him to go back to the beautiful lie of his previous life. Not if he wanted to survive.
Frighten the Horses is a trans man's coming of age story, about a housewife who comes out as a lesbian and tentatively, at first, steps into the world of queerness. With growing courage and the support of his newfound community, Oliver is finally able to face the question of his gender identity and become the man he is supposed to be. The story of a flawed, fascinating, gorgeously queer man, Frighten the Horses introduces Oliver Radclyffe as a witty, arresting, unforgettable voice.
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Praise for Frighten the Horses:
"Radclyffe writes movingly about parenting and the emotional risks of every step he takes toward affirming his maleness . . . [A]s a testament to midlife transition -- especially in a time when so much of the cultural conversation around gender rights focuses on young people -- Radclyffe's memoir offers a valuable alternate narrative to the loss and pain that queer history has too often insisted on."--Alex Marzano-Lesnevich, New York Times
"It's the voice that makes this memoir stand out . . . This is a writer who can capture any moment with a dazzling, insightful, at times musical phrase."--Oprah Daily
"A Connecticut parent can no longer resist becoming the person he's always been in this singular memoir of transition. Full of unexpected heroes and heart."--Marion Winik, People
"Moving, crucially important . . . A beautifully told story of family and identity."--Marion Winik, Newsday
"This debut memoir is one of unshakeable honesty and truth in identity . . . Radclyffe's story is one of flaws and fears, vulnerabilities and triumphs; don't miss it."--Karla J. Strand, Ms.
"Radically refreshing . . . In a moment in our culture where people are so quick to hide or deny these details about their past selves, Radclyffe's honesty and vulnerability in these particular moments helps show that the process of becoming isn't limited to what we learn about our own inner lives and desires. It's also about what we've refused to see by denying ourselves for so long."--Stef Rubino, Autostraddle
"Warm, moving and most importantly, inspiring for anyone who needs a reminder that it's never too late to be one's authentic self."--Jessica Wakeman, BookPage
"Beautifully written and incredibly moving. I felt honored to read this book and feel it is one that should be read by everyone to get a better sense of how we all inhabit this world."--Adam Vitcavage, Debutiful
"This book is consistently frank, vulnerable, perspicacious, and insightful, covering an impressive variety of aspects of the transgender experience in intimate, lyrical language and dry, compassionate humor. The author's analysis of privilege is particularly refreshing, as is his description of transitioning as a parent. A stunning memoir about discovering one's identity late in life."--Kirkus Reviews (starred review)
"Sincere and searching . . . There's great power in Radclyffe's vulnerable and generous portrayal of his trans experience, throughout which there are more dimmer-switch dawnings than flashes of light, and readers will be grateful for it."--Annie Bostrom, Booklist (starred review)
"Radclyffe's moving devotion to his children . . . lends the resonant coming-out narrative additional weight. Bolstered by poetic prose and offhanded candor, this story of late-in-life self-acceptance deserves a wide audience."--Publishers Weekly
"I often think that the entire purpose of a human life is to see if we can somehow get FREE--if we can escape from the rules, expectations, and limitations of our families and our cultures in order to live an entirely different existence than the one that was assigned to us at birth. Frighten the Horses is the inspiring true story of one man's extraordinary journey of escape from the wrong marriage, the wrong gender, the wrong life, in order to become who he was always meant to be. This book is as sharp as razors, but it also pulses with a passionate, desperate, human urgency for truth and liberation. I am deeply grateful to have read it, and my hope is that Oliver's story will free many others, as well."--Elizabeth Gilbert, author of City of Girls
"Wise, generous, and fierce, Frighten the Horses is about more than a change of gender; it's about the perilous process of accepting the self, in all its gnarly, glorious complexity. Oliver Radclyffe finds more than manhood on his inspiring journey; what he finds, in the end, is his humanity."--Jennifer Finney Boylan, author of She's Not There, and co-author of Mad Honey
"The finest literary telling of the experience of gender transition that I've ever read. It's a terrific, expansive story because the focus of this warm-hearted man always returns to his children. He's simply a wonderful parent, and that's what keeps the reader turning the pages."--Kate Bornstein, author of Gender Outlaw
"In this exquisite memoir of a trans-man, an upper middle-class Englishwoman gives up her country, her status, her wealth, her marriage, her new lesbian identity (and partner) in order to release and achieve her true male self. Oliver Radclyffe would be a major writer no matter what subject he embraced. That he has explored the mysteries of class, gender, nationality makes Frighten the Horses a heart-felt cant-free book of universal interest."--Edmund White, author of The Humble Lover
"Oliver was born with a silver spoon and lived as a high-end suburban mother-of-four until a passing parade of motorcycle mavens triggered two revelations: he wanted to be in love with a woman, and he was a man. This easy-to-read, almost jocular memoir is a tribute to how much the trans trajectory has been transformed by the existence of queer bookstores, lesbian and transmasc books, LGBT centers and their accompanying support groups. And how all of this labor to create infrastructure has succeeded in making transition so much more possible, not only for trans people, but for their parents, children, friends and even ex-husbands. This hopeful retelling of one life, from the post-transition perspective, makes transness a more viable possibility and documents this historical moment of opportunity and resource."--Sarah Schulman, author of Let the Record Show
"A tremendously warm, moving and oh, so Britishly droll account of Radclyffe's tortured and giddy journey to peel back his own layers and embody the person he was truly meant to be. Anyone who's struggled with breaking from their own chains and daring to know themselves fully--whether gender-related or otherwise--will find comfort and fellowship in these pages. And hopefully those who have struggled or resisted understanding of what it means to be transgender will have their minds and hearts open, if they only give Radclyffe's incredibly charming and poignant memoir a chance."--Tim Murphy, author of Speech Team
"For Oliver Radclyffe, trans becoming is as much about finding himself as it is an awakening to the many gendered narratives that conspire to keep him trapped. Brimming with wry wit, radical candor, and vulnerability, Frighten the Horses is a fearless exploration of the liberation that comes from unwinding the narratives that we don't choose but so often define us, and the beautiful new futures that exist on the horizon of our imaginations--if we are only willing to risk everything to open our eyes, and really, really look."--Thomas Page McBee, author of Amateur
"A blazingly tender memoir of blooming late, changing sex, and choosing joy. Oliver Radclyffe is a compulsively likeable narrator of his life, recounting a winding path toward manhood with valiant wit and vulnerability. No matter how many people hurt or desert him during his transition, Radclyffe continues to move toward love, care, and possibility. Radclyffe's perspective as a parent is infinitely capacious, detailing the many ways he has been transformed by his four curious, big-hearted children, whose wishes matter just as much as his own. I have no doubt Radclyffe's life story will remind countless others that it is never too late to live as yourself, without fear. Frighten the Horses is nothing less than a celebration of life."--Sabrina Imbler, author of How Far the Light Reaches
"As we follow Oliver deeper into himself, we access a wellspring of quenching trans joy. I wanted to remain in Radclyffe's pages, to submerge myself a little longer in such tenderness, humor, and courage."--Alice Carrière, author of Everything/Nothing/Someone
"Frighten the Horses is an extraordinary, richly detailed account of self-realization elevated by Radclyffe's natural storytelling. Oliver Radclyffe writes with both bracing clarity and exquisite tenderness, for his family, his community, and his former self. The result is a powerful, absolutely necessary, and utterly engaging memoir that cannot be put down and will not be forgotten. Frighten the Horses is a gift, to all of us, and should be on every reading list."--Lauren Hough, author of Leaving Isn't the Hardest Thing
"With his profound gift of a memoir, Frighten the Horses, Radclyffe permits the reader to witness a human chiseling away at obfuscation to reveal the yearned-for self. We feel the visceral bewilderment of living in the wrong body, and the evolving surety that comes through every step of transition. An account of becoming. A statement of arrival. A generous act of service to all who are making the same journey, or who yearn to."--Julie Lythcott-Haims, New York Times bestselling author of Real American: A Memoir
